Jumping off into the unknown

For someone that likes to plan as much as me, this last year has taken some getting used to.  I had this plan in my head last summer of how it was all going to go - Matt would secure a permanent job after his great summer experience at Gray Plant Mooty, I'd finish up my year at the Senate and we'd start trying to have a family.  I'd be able to stay at home with the kids, at least until they were school-age.

Needless to say, it has gone anything except according to plan.  With the challenging economy the law profession is especially hard to break into, even with Matt's great GPA and experiences.  We knew that could happen, but it's still tough to be patient.  It's hard on both of us to have him work so diligently and not reap the rewards.  How could God have led him to law school and not have a plan for him afterwards?  But at least we know he'll find something eventually because he's very smart and ambitious.  He's had luck with getting some interviews and putting his networking skills to use, including being invited to speak at the National Federation for the Blind annual conference. 

I think the most challenging part for me is having to live with more financial uncertainty and having to put our family plans on hold (more so for his financial comfort level than mine).  I definitely feel a call to be a mom and that feeling continues to get stronger those closer I get to my 30th birthday.  That biological clock started ticking as soon as I hit 28 and hasn't stopped since...  I hope wherever he gets a job that we're able to be at least somewhat close to family and friends.  As much as I'd be thrilled to have the adventure of living in a new part of the country, I really value the support network we'd have in MN, especially when we have a family.  I can imagine that moving to a city far away with Matt working long hours would start to feel lonely and overwhelming pretty quickly, particularly if we had a new baby.

I hope I can handle parenthood.  I know Matt and I will be great at it, especially with practice.  I know my kids will never suffer for love and attention and devotion.  We both feel mentally ready.  But I also know we'll both have weaknesses to overcome.  For me, that will be patience, and having to deal with everything not being "sanitary".  It's ironic - I don't fear the responsibility, limitation on my social life, lack of sleep, or that my house will be in complete disarray.  What I fear is how I'll manage with my OCD - taking them to use public bathrooms, handling cleaning products, handling raw chicken...all that stuff that the average person doesn't think twice about.  Maybe like other things in my life, I'll only find the strength to overcome when I meet the challenge head-on.

In the meantime, I'm glad we have the cruise coming up.  It's been a dream of ours to take a vacation like this to see France, Italy and Greece.  Plus it's a great distraction from thinking about having kids, since I have something else to look forward to, and we probably wouldn't have this opportunity if we had them.