Jan 10th, 2013 – 14 Weeks

I am already so in love with this little one.  I love discussing names with Matt, reading about weekly developments, and imagining what he/she might look like.  We both have our periods where we get a little stressed (especially Matt with the bar exam coming up in a couple months).  He hates it when I’m not feeling well.  But unlike Matt I don’t really find myself stressed about the pregnancy or morning sickness itself.  Other than the fact that I’m still losing weight when the books say I should have gained 5 lbs. by now.  But my body packs on weight pretty easily, so I’m guessing once the nausea stops I’ll have no trouble catching up.  I’m more concerned about some of the really big decisions we have to make (how to start saving for college, how baby will impact our budget, what the best life insurance is, and whether I should look for a part-time job or not). 

The job question really has me stumped.  I have never been without a job since college, so I have never felt lacking in the financial contribution department.  I’ve even been the solo breadwinner while Matt was in law school.  Now, with Matt’s job supporting us there’s no immediate need for me to be working, other than my own pride, staving off boredom and avoiding gaps in my resume.  Matt doesn’t have a strong preference what I do, as long as I am fulfilled and we are financially comfortable.  Right now working isn’t much of an option because my nausea has gotten so bad in the last few weeks.  But assuming that that phase passes soon, what then?  I find myself surprisingly busy during the day, even if I never leave the house – there are always bills to pay, tasks to catch up on, baby research to do, papers to sort through, OB appointments to go to, trips to organize, people to keep in touch with…  Granted, a good chunk of my morning is usually spent sleeping either from nausea or exhaustion.  But I find myself having so many more things I’d like to do with my day that I haven’t even gotten around to – cross-stitching for baby, trying prenatal yoga, starting a Bible study routine... 

Is it enough if I’m fulfilled just taking care of day-to-day life stuff and our baby?  Or will I regret it later when I’ve been out of the working world and future employers ask why I took so much time off?  Will I still be “relevant” to them?  Will I even care if I don’t plan to go back to work?  I don’t even know what I want to do for a job – I want something “fun” for once, but I don’t know what that would be.  I also want it to be worth my while and not take some random minimum wage job that doesn’t even make up for the cost of child care.  I’ve thought about working at places like Babies ‘R Us (where I’d not only get discounts on stuff we need but valuable info on products as well), or Bath & Body Works since I’m addicted to that store anyway.  But those don’t seem like “real jobs” to me – I feel like that would be a waste of my college degree.  There are other jobs that sound fun but I don’t have a degree or experience for them, or they don’t offer a flexible schedule.  I also have to think of jobs that won’t make my OCD worse.  Ideally, telecommuting would be great if it doesn’t involve sales.  So I’m back to square one.

I am strongly considering being a stay-at-home mom if it works for our budget.  I think I’d really enjoy it, as long as I was able to get in some adult interaction through mom groups or playdates.  I’d probably be ideal for the role if I liked cooking and cleaning more.  But I find it so hard to justify staying home to other people.  Stay-at-home moms seem to get so little support these days, from both society and employers.  Everyone I meet asks me what I do for a living.  I feel weird not having an answer.

It seems our worth is so defined by our job status these days.  And employers don’t seem to care or understand the needs of families.  They SAY they do, but they don’t.  You get 2 weeks of vacation a year, feel guilty for taking a day off because your kid is sick, have to ask special permission to leave early to go to the kid’s activities.  All the while you have to work doubly hard to make sure you appear just as dedicated to your boss as the 22-year-old that has no qualms about staying late to work on last-minute projects that corporate decided they want yesterday.  And if you DO go the stay-at-home route, it’s such a lonely world because so few people do it.  Sometimes I wish I grew up in my grandparents’ generation where all the neighborhood moms would get together for play dates and keep each other company.

As we get closer and closer to finding out the gender, I find myself caught up in gender reveal ideas.  I wish we were closer to family and friends so we could have everyone over and tell everyone at once.  I want to see peoples’ reactions and do something creative, instead of just posting something on Facebook or making a phone call.  It’s kind of a bummer for me, but it comes with the territory of moving away.

I am told that the pregnancy will fly by, so I am doing my best to savor the little things – the days when I’m not nauseated, the fact that I can still get away with sleeping on my stomach and my back.  Heck, the fact that I get to sleep period.  The fact that I can sleep soundly because I can’t feel the baby kick me in the ribs yet.  The fact that nobody interrupts me if I want to take a shower, use the bathroom, watch a movie or sit in peace and quiet.  The fact that Matt and I can go out at the drop of a hat and not have to worry about babysitters.  The fact that I can still get on a airplane for a weeklong trip with only a carry-on.  And perhaps my favorite – I do not yet have to anticipate projectile vomit and blowouts.  I know in 6 months that won’t happen anymore.