A lot of changes have happened in Matt's & my life this
fall – moving across the country, Matt’s new job, a hurricane, and now….a
baby!! That’s right, we are expecting a
little Niska sometime around July 11, 2013.
As of tomorrow I’m 5 weeks along.
But let me back up a little…
We got back from our 2-week Mediterranean cruise in
mid-September and found out a week later than Matt had been offered an
associate position at a Baltimore
firm by the name of Brown Goldstein & Levy.
We were over-the-moon excited that he had finally found something! He had been looking for almost a year, and
with the Great Recession law jobs have been really hard to come by for new
graduates. Finally, we wouldn’t be in
limbo anymore and could actually start planning our future. And I could quit my job and find
something more suited to family life without the crazy hours, since we felt
ready for kids and knew there was no way we could manage if I was working
12-hour days during session. We had
mixed feeling about moving so far away from family & friends – on the one
hand we knew it would be a great adventure to explore the East Coast, yet we
knew it would be lonely and that we’d basically be starting from scratch,
having to make new friends, find a new church, navigate a new city, start new
jobs, heck, even find a new grocery store and change banks. And we had to do it all in about a month.
But moving day finally came, and somehow everything got
packed & loaded and we began our cross-country road trip. It went by pretty quickly, and after 4 days
we arrived tired but relieved to be here at last. All these changes and traveling and having
our stuff handled by other people was pretty challenging for my OCD. It will be so nice once everything is
unpacked & settled. But we couldn’t
settle in just yet – our stuff wouldn’t be here for a week and we had 2 days to
prepare for Hurricane Sandy. It was very
unsettling to be in a strange city where we didn’t know anyone and to be
experiencing a hurricane for the first time.
We had the good sense to grab a lot of extra bottled water and
non-perishables to make it through a few days without power, but every place we
looked was sold out of flashlights and weather radios. And we had no idea where to put our car to
shield it from flying debris. But we got
creative: we rented a storage space for the car, and went to places no one else
thought of for the flashlights and radio and were able to find what we
needed. Then we hunkered down for a few
days with our snacks, blow-up bed and audio book and waited for the inevitable
power outage we were told was coming.
But it never came, praise God!
The wind howled and the rain fell in sheets and the lights flickered. But we were safe, and so was my brother in
NYC. We felt very lucky when we saw the
devastation in Atlantic City & Manhattan.
The storm subsided a few days
later and we went downtown to tour Matt’s firm (BGL). Everyone was really nice & accommodating. It’s a really small firm, just 8 associates
and 8 partners I think. We got to see
Matt’s new office and as I examined the sculpture that had been left on Matt’s
shelf, I was warned by the women not to touch it. I must have had a surprised look on my face,
because they explained that the last few women who had had that office &
touched the sculpture had ended up pregnant.
I was surprised that people were so superstitious that they would be
afraid to touch it and actually admit that. But Matt & I had just started trying this
month and I figured I could use all the help I could get, so of course I
touched it (subtly, or so I thought).
But then the women were like “Oh no, she touched it!” Here we go….
The next day (Friday Nov 2nd)
I decided to take a pregnancy test. I
have no idea why. I was only a couple
days late (which is very normal for me) and didn’t feel any different. I figured I was only going to disappoint
myself with the negative result I was sure to get. After all, how could it have possibly
worked so quickly? I was under a TON of stress with the transitions, and so many people have trouble conceiving these days that I was
certain we’d have the same fate. So you
can imagine my shock when the test came out positive. I was elated; I couldn’t believe it. I had been wanting a baby for
almost 2 years now, but something always got in the way – either Matt hadn’t
felt ready yet, or once he was ready, he hadn’t found a job yet (and we
definitely needed that to happen to feel financially secure). Even once the job was in the bag, he
hesitated, wondering with my OCD how I would cope with parenting.
It’s a thought that’s been on both
our minds a lot. I constantly have to
reassure myself that this won’t get in the way of my being a great
parent. I was made to be a mom. I have always been able to handle things I
struggle with when I have no other choice, and I suppose this will be no
different. It’s going to take a lot of
support (especially from Matt), but we can do it.
Matt was sitting in the computer
room when I found out. The question was
how to tell him and what would his reaction be?
He wants children, but this was such a crazy time for us. We both thought it would take a few months
(he rather hoped it would, to give us time to adjust to the new job and new
surroundings). I had imagined how I
would tell him when the time came, and thought it would be something really
cute or creative, but in the end I just told him outright. He looked at me in disbelief. “Really?
How do you know?” he uttered. I
showed him the test and told him the result.
He seemed more shocked than anything. With all the changes and stress
lately it was a little overwhelming for him.
It wasn’t quite the joyful moment I had pictured in my head. He needed time to process that this was
actually happening. I had expected this,
but still found myself mildly annoyed that he wasn’t more excited. After all, it’s a big change, but we had the
next 9 months to get used to the idea.
We tried not to get TOO excited since it was so early on and we knew the
chances of miscarriage were still high.
We debated not telling anyone for a few weeks, but I caved after a
couple hours. I threw myself
into research about what to do next, what was safe to eat, when our due date
was, etc.
It’s strange to me to refer to our
baby in conversation. It doesn’t feel
real yet. I feel more like we’re playing
house and I’m just an actor playing a part.
Probably because I don’t feel any different. I’m either really lucky with
not having symptoms or it’s just too early for them to show up, because I feel
perfectly fine.
Of course, now that I KNOW I’m
pregnant I pay attention to every little thing I feel. I’m so glad my mom friends have told me what to
expect. Though I do get the occasional pang of fear
when I think “Was that shower too hot?
Was that cheese pasteurized? Is
it safe to use my laptop? Are these
moving boxes too heavy?”
I check out the baby websites but for the most part try to stay away from
Google, because I know it will just make me worry.
We have firmly decided not to
share our name ideas ahead of the birth, but I’ve been thinking a lot about
whether we’ll want to find out the gender.
Matt prefers the old-fashioned surprise of announcing the gender when
the baby is born, but I’m such a planner.
I’m dying to know already, and I’m sure come week 18 I’m going to be
chomping at the bit to find out.
My practical side tells me that
there are so many reasons to not find out: after all, there are so few
surprises left in life. Plus then if you
have gender neutral stuff you don’t have to buy another set of supplies if you
have the opposite next time. And at your
showers people will be more likely to get you stuff you actually NEED from your
registry rather than mounds of outfits that are the wrong size for the
season. (I’m
totally guilty of this, by the way, I LOVE buying baby clothes for people – but I do make it easy for people to return them in case they have different taste).
But my heart jumps for joy at the
thought of decorating a gender-specific nursery and getting used to our baby
being either a boy or girl ahead of time.
I’ve tried looking up gender-neutral nursery patterns and colors and I
don’t gravitate toward any of them. The only choices
you get are themes like jungle animals, Winnie the Pooh, and monkies.
And colors like green & yellow.
I’m more of a blue/pink/purple kinda gal.
Odds are that it will be a boy,
because the Niska boys have never conceived daughters, but my heart secretly
longs for a girl against all odds. Even
if it’s not this time. It’d be great to
have one of each. I happily
picture dressing our daughter in cute little outfits, watching her ballet
recitals, playing with dolls and pretend tea parties, talking to her about girl
stuff as she grows up, sharing that special mother/daughter bond. I’m sure a girl will be more drama (heaven
help us all during the stubborn teenage years!) but I don’t care. But a son would be lovely too – I love my
sweet little nephews so much and really enjoy their personalities, and I’m sure
I would love my own sons all the more.
They’d eat a lot more and probably get in more trouble, but all boys
love their mommas, and there’d be less drama.
But hey, it’s not up to me.
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